A Tale of Online Dating

I debated if I wanted to publish this, but it was too good to keep to myself.

Like most girls in their mid-twenties, I was hopefully anticipating the day when a fine young man would waltz into my life and sweep me off my feet. Twenty-six was just around the corner, and I was starting to feel the added pressure of finding him. So I joined OKCupid. All the cool kids were doing it.

The fact that this is a free online dating site meant that the quality of most men was significantly lower than what I was looking for, but I figured I'd give it a shot anyway. The only thing I was in danger of losing was my pride. This became the starting point of several awkward dating experiences. There was one date in particular that needs to be shared.

My general MO with online dating was to engage in email dialogues for at least a few weeks before meeting up with anyone in person. This allowed me to gauge their level of potential awesomeness and my potential level of interest. But after several unsuccessful first dates, I decided it wasn't worth my time or effort to invest in conversation before meeting and that I would rather meet in person first to decide if it was worth pursuing. Mistake!

His name was Mike, and he seemed like a cool guy, so I agreed to meet up for drinks. We met up on a Friday after work. He texted me when he got to the restaurant to let me know he was waiting outside and was wearing glasses. I happened to be wearing my glasses that day too. How cute. So I parked and starting walking towards the restaurant. As soon as I saw him, I immediately regretted my decision, but it was too late... I had been spotted and would not be able to escape. We introduced ourselves and walked in.  I guess he was worried I wouldn't recognize him with his glasses, and he was right.  He did not look like his profile picture at all, but it was by no means the fault of his glasses. I couldn't decide if I was more disappointed or amused by that fact.

He was scrawny and was wearing faded baggy mom jeans, a baggy black polo, white new balance sneakers, and, of course, his glasses (picture Steve Carell in Crazy Stupid Love before Ryan Gosling transforms him). I, on the other hand, looked like a normal person and was embarrassed to be seen with him. I was embarrassed as the hostess walked us to our booth and was embarrassed when we sat down at our table. One thing was clear: we did not belong together.

The conversation was painfully awkward and forced, and I could not wait until the end of the date. We had absolutely nothing in common. He works as a park ranger and has never left the country. I'm running out of space in my passport and could have crushed him with my thumb. I'm still not quite sure how it happened, but I was somehow convinced to stay for a second drink. Mistake part 2. The countdown to the end of our date continued. Conversation flowed a bit more naturally as my second glass kicked in, but there was still absolutely no way in any realm of the universe that I was interested.

He tried to convince me to stay for round three, but I insisted that I had to leave. He was disappointed and commented on the fact that we really seemed to be connecting. It was definitely the alcohol. The waitress brought the check, he paid it (after some awkward back and forth about whether or not he wanted me to contribute) and we left. More embarrassment as we walked through the restaurant... Surely people understood that this date was a horrible misunderstanding on my part and that I was not there by choice.

We got about ten steps into the parking lot when our waitress ran after us and explained that she forgot to charge us for our second round of drinks. She apologized and said it was her fault, but he knew. He had to. We only ordered two rounds. So I stood there mortified as he reached into his pocket and paid her the remaining bill in the parking lot, after which he asked me if he could walk me to my car. Ready to be done, I agreed. Mistake part 3.

As we approached my car, I thanked him for the date and told him that I had enjoyed myself. Lies. I gave him a quick unaffectionate hug. As I was pulling away, he went in for a kiss. Gag. I was not expecting it and certainly didn't want it. I've not been in many situations where I feel so awkward that I don't know what to do with myself, but this was one of them. So what did I do? I went in for another hug in order to avoid the kiss. And what did he do? He went in for another kiss as I pulled away for the second time. I was mortified, and I know my face showed it. My entire body tensed up in horror/shock and I slowly backed away. Was this happening in real life? As I did, he looked at me surprised and asked, "No?"

"NO."

I got in my car, traumatized, and drove away, the gag reflex threatening to remove the alcohol from my body. This called for a break from online dating. When I got home, I saw that he had texted me the following message: "Thanks for wasting my time. Bitches be crazy!"

Yes, I'm the crazy one in this scenario.