God and I have been exchanging some words lately. Those of you who don't believe that God exists will probably think I'm crazy. Those of you who do will probably be offended at the nature of my conversations with Him. But that's ok. I'm not trying to impress anyone, least of all God. He knows it all anyway.
When I say that we've been exchanging words, what I really mean in that I've been yelling at him and expressing my disappointment and anger at the way certain things in my life have panned out. He's mostly been listening patiently, I think. Sometimes, I tell him that I don't trust Him and don't think He has a good plan for my life. Other times, I ask Him if He's even real or cares about what I'm going through. Do the details of my life matter, or are they just the way things go? When everything falls apart and my life feels like a giant clusterfuck, is He still faithful? Is there purpose in chaos and pain? It all feels pretty meaningless right now.
Everyone always shares words of wisdom about how one day, I'll look back over this time in my life and see why things happened the way they did. In fact, I tell myself that from time to time, partially because I believe it, but mostly because I'm trying to make myself feel better. Sometimes I wonder.
I guess these questions and my response to the difficulties that I'm facing reveal a shallow faith. His sovereignty and love for me are not reflected only in the good aspects of my life. They're woven throughout the pain and the doubt and the fear too. He sits with me in the shit and understands what I'm feeling and is working even now. At least that's what I'm trying to believe. The only other alternative- that He doesn't exist and isn't sovereign and doesn't care about the details of my life- is far worse than anything I'm experiencing.
This is me processing out loud. Take it for what it is, or leave it. It's where I am right now.
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