Do You Trust Me?

Do you trust me?

Of course I trust you. How can you ask me that? I trust you. I know that you’re going to work this out for me. But can I just ask you something? How? And when?

Do you trust me?

Yes, I told you I trust you. But how are you going to do it? When is it going to happen? Will it be soon? I’m not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m reaching the end of my rope. Can you hurry?

Do you trust me?

Most of the time. I’m doing my best to remember your promises. You’ve been faithful in the past, so why would the present or the future be any different? But why? Why am I going through this? Am I supposed to be learning a profound life lesson? When will I be done learning?

Do you trust me?

I think so. But sometimes I can’t see you in any of it. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. What’s the point of all of this anyway? You promise to work all things out for my good, but I can’t seem to find the good in what’s happening. Am I missing something here?

I am Yahweh, the first and the last. I created the universe. I tell the waves where to stop and the sun when to rise. I water the earth with rains in the spring. I clothe the lilies of the valley with splendor and feed the birds of the air. I intricately formed you when you were in your mother’s womb and know every detail about you. Those freckles on your nose that you don’t like very much: I made those. Those tears you cried late at night: I caught those in my hands. Those times you felt like you couldn’t take another step: I carried you. Those prayers you prayed that didn’t seem to be answered: I heard every single one of them. And those times you felt as though you would never make it out of your situation: I blew your mind with what I can handle.

And so I ask you… Do you trust me?

And Then There Was One

I'm not one for writing bunny obituaries, but I feel as though I need to pay some kind of tribute to Walter. It still seems unreal, and yet when I walk to their cage to feed them every morning and to let them out every evening when I get home from work, I now only find Jack, huddled in the corner looking just as sad and confused as I am.

I came home from work on Wednesday of last week and found Walter lying in the cage. He was dead. It was totally unexpected, and it broke my heart. I know he was just a rabbit, but if you know me, you know that I love my bunnies like children, so it was really painful to say goodbye. Thankfully, I have some amazing friends who came over to help me bury him. We reminisced about our memories of him for a while and then took him out back, dug a hole by the tomato plants, and placed him in it. I covered his body with dirt and cried. You know you have great friends when they cry with you. You also know you have great friends when they bring over beer for the occasion. We ended the evening with a few drinks, some laughter, and a few more tears. 

I got the pair (names after Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau) back in October and have thoroughly enjoyed  their company. Here are a few picture highlights of my time with Walter.

This was taken the first night I got them. They were both pretty timid, although Walter's always been the braver of the pair. They were brothers, and they loved hanging out together.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Walter. What a handsome young man!

One of my favorite memories about Walter is that he loved to jump on top of his cage. Sometimes when I would leave the top of their cage open, he would jump out and run around. Jack could never do it, because he was always smaller.

Walter would generally jump on top of the cage while I was cleaning it out. I guess that was his contribution. 

Jack and Walter had a play day in the leaves. They loved it!

So cute.

Look at those ears!

Around Christmas time, I bought miniature apples for decoration. Walter decided they'd be better as food than ornaments.

In his short life, Walter got to experience a number of road trips. I took the bunnies home to Michigan for Thanksgiving last year.

The last road trip was for Easter. Jack and Walter were great companions.

I let them run around the yard. They loved it.

I love this pose.

This picture perfectly captures our relationship. I love that Walter is sticking his tongue out. He made a habit of being defiant.

Just as all good things must come to an end, so my time with Walter is done. Looks like it's just Jack and me now. I suspect that we'll make a grand pair!

God is Bigger than the Bullshit Part 2

Have you ever had one of those days where most things in life seemed to be falling apart? I've been having one of those months. Yesterday, I wrote about the fact that despite all of the crap that we experience, God is in control and will bring us through it. I'm feeling less sure of that today. Every time I feel like my heart is healing or I'm trusting a little bit more, I get shoved to the ground again. It's seriously getting ridiculous. I know that God promises not to give us more than we can handle, but I feel like I can't handle it anymore. It's not as if the things that are happening to me aren't normal, but it's the way they're happening and the timing that are pushing me to my limit. Am I being punished for something? Is God testing my faith? Or are these all just random coincidences that happen to shake me to my core? I don't know, but I'm getting tired of it.

The book of Job seems to be the story of my life these days (or at least today). "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas- no wonder my words have been impetuous (hence the 'bullshit'). The arrows of the Almighty are in me, my spirit drinks in their poison; God's terrors are marshaled against me... What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone (thanks to boot camp, I'm getting close)? Is my flesh bronze (perhaps after a few more hours in the sun)? Do I have the power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me (I've got no strength left)?"

And yet: "He wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." When does that happen? Can we get that healing process going soon?

God is Bigger than the Bullshit

Some days, that's about as profound as my theology goes. Today is one of those days. I feel as though I'm being sucker punched from every direction. It hurts. I'm bruised and broken and am having a hard time catching my breath. I'm trying to make sense of it all, and yet sense is nowhere to be found. So I find myself clinging to faith.

Even when things appear to be falling apart before my eyes-when life seems to throw curve ball after curve ball-I have to remember this truth. God is bigger than all of it. He's bigger than my job. He's bigger than relationships. He's bigger than location. He's bigger than fears, uncertainties, and confusion. And He's bigger than pain. As long as I can maintain that perspective and remember God's place in the hierarchy of my life, I think I'll be ok.

A friend recently sent me these words of encouragement: "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Even the bullshit. He's got that under control too.