I debated if I wanted to publish this, but it was too good to keep to myself.
Like most girls in their mid-twenties, I was hopefully anticipating the day when a fine young man would waltz into my life and sweep me off my feet. Twenty-six was just around the corner, and I was starting to feel the added pressure of finding him. So I joined OKCupid. All the cool kids were doing it.
The fact that this is a free online dating site meant that the quality of most men was significantly lower than what I was looking for, but I figured I'd give it a shot anyway. The only thing I was in danger of losing was my pride. This became the starting point of several awkward dating experiences. There was one date in particular that needs to be shared.
My general MO with online dating was to engage in email dialogues for at least a few weeks before meeting up with anyone in person. This allowed me to gauge their level of potential awesomeness and my potential level of interest. But after several unsuccessful first dates, I decided it wasn't worth my time or effort to invest in conversation before meeting and that I would rather meet in person first to decide if it was worth pursuing. Mistake!
His name was Mike, and he seemed like a cool guy, so I agreed to meet up for drinks. We met up on a Friday after work. He texted me when he got to the restaurant to let me know he was waiting outside and was wearing glasses. I happened to be wearing my glasses that day too. How cute. So I parked and starting walking towards the restaurant. As soon as I saw him, I immediately regretted my decision, but it was too late... I had been spotted and would not be able to escape. We introduced ourselves and walked in. I guess he was worried I wouldn't recognize him with his glasses, and he was right. He did not look like his profile picture at all, but it was by no means the fault of his glasses. I couldn't decide if I was more disappointed or amused by that fact.
He was scrawny and was wearing faded baggy mom jeans, a baggy black polo, white new balance sneakers, and, of course, his glasses (picture Steve Carell in Crazy Stupid Love before Ryan Gosling transforms him). I, on the other hand, looked like a normal person and was embarrassed to be seen with him. I was embarrassed as the hostess walked us to our booth and was embarrassed when we sat down at our table. One thing was clear: we did not belong together.
The conversation was painfully awkward and forced, and I could not wait until the end of the date. We had absolutely nothing in common. He works as a park ranger and has never left the country. I'm running out of space in my passport and could have crushed him with my thumb. I'm still not quite sure how it happened, but I was somehow convinced to stay for a second drink. Mistake part 2. The countdown to the end of our date continued. Conversation flowed a bit more naturally as my second glass kicked in, but there was still absolutely no way in any realm of the universe that I was interested.
He tried to convince me to stay for round three, but I insisted that I had to leave. He was disappointed and commented on the fact that we really seemed to be connecting. It was definitely the alcohol. The waitress brought the check, he paid it (after some awkward back and forth about whether or not he wanted me to contribute) and we left. More embarrassment as we walked through the restaurant... Surely people understood that this date was a horrible misunderstanding on my part and that I was not there by choice.
We got about ten steps into the parking lot when our waitress ran after us and explained that she forgot to charge us for our second round of drinks. She apologized and said it was her fault, but he knew. He had to. We only ordered two rounds. So I stood there mortified as he reached into his pocket and paid her the remaining bill in the parking lot, after which he asked me if he could walk me to my car. Ready to be done, I agreed. Mistake part 3.
As we approached my car, I thanked him for the date and told him that I had enjoyed myself. Lies. I gave him a quick unaffectionate hug. As I was pulling away, he went in for a kiss. Gag. I was not expecting it and certainly didn't want it. I've not been in many situations where I feel so awkward that I don't know what to do with myself, but this was one of them. So what did I do? I went in for another hug in order to avoid the kiss. And what did he do? He went in for another kiss as I pulled away for the second time. I was mortified, and I know my face showed it. My entire body tensed up in horror/shock and I slowly backed away. Was this happening in real life? As I did, he looked at me surprised and asked, "No?"
"NO."
I got in my car, traumatized, and drove away, the gag reflex threatening to remove the alcohol from my body. This called for a break from online dating. When I got home, I saw that he had texted me the following message: "Thanks for wasting my time. Bitches be crazy!"
Yes, I'm the crazy one in this scenario.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Friday, October 18, 2013
Monday, September 13, 2010
What I'm NOT Looking for in a Guy
It seems to be a common occurrence for single ladies to make a list of what they're looking for in a guy. It may only be a mental list, but the list still exists. Makes sense. I think it's extremely important to know what you want beforehand. In my experience, this aids in the whole "shopping" process. I have a list, and in fact, it's a rather lengthy one. It started out as general ideas, but over the years, I've amended, restructured, and re-prioritized my list. As I get older, I realize that I don't want the same things in a guy that I did 5 years ago, and I'm sure I'll feel the same way 5 years from now. Rather than make a list of "Mr. Perfect," who, by the way, DOES NOT EXIST (this is a topic for another blog post), I decided to make a list of some of the things that I definitely do not want in a guy. Here goes.
What I'm not looking for in a guy:
A boy
Let me begin this list by saying that as I progress along in my 20s (I know I'm only 23, but that's a lot older than 19), I have realized more and more that guys do not seem to progress in maturity the way girls do. Stereotype? Yes. Reality? In most cases. As my interests have evolved from weekend mall shopping trips to dinner and a glass of wine with friends, I have found that many guys are still interested in the equivalent of the shopping trip. This brings me to the next thing on my list, which is:
A boy who loves video games
If your idea of a good time is sitting in front of the television and living in a virtual world for hours upon end, then you have some growing up to do, and I'm really not interested in your company. What boggles my mind is that so many guys spend countless hours playing sports with their thumbs, when they are fully capable of engaging in healthy physical activities in real life. Even worse than the sports are the fantasy worlds in which wizards fight dragons and communicate in unintelligible languages. Really? I mean, really? If you invested as much time in reality as you do in fantasy land, you'd probably be a decent date. But for now, I'll pass.
A boy who loves video games and lives at home
Let me preface this statement by saying that I totally understand when situations do now allow for financial independence, and the smart thing to do is to live at home until you can afford to move out. Absolutely fine. However, there comes a time when enough is enough. So you're 26 and your mom still does your laundry. Cute. Oh, and she makes you and your friends snacks when they come over to play video games? Gag me. The issue with this scenario is complacency and inability/refusal to strive for something more. If you tell me that you still live at home, you better show me a 10-step action plan for how you are working your way to maturity and independence.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home and is into himself
One of the things that most repulses me about a guy is when he's into himself. I don't care if you're the most attractive guy in the world. Conceit is never flattering. There's a huge difference between having healthy self-confidence and being arrogant. One is attractive, the other is not. And you can always tell who these guys are. They're the ones who walk around with their Polo shirt collars popped and their Armani shades resting on the bridge of their nose. They have this air about them that screams "Check me out. I'm cool." Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but not only am I unimpressed with your not-so-subtle tactics, but your arrogance will be the topic of my jokes for the day.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home, is into himself and doesn't dress well
If you meet all of these criteria, you're a real winner! In my opinion, one of the signs of maturity, responsibility and success is learning how to dress yourself appropriately, no matter the occasion. I'm not asking you to spend thousands of dollars on a wardrobe. What I am asking is for you not to wear pajamas out in public. Ever. And if I catch you wearing the same outfit three days in a row, that's a no go. My favorite is having multiple pairs of the same pants and wearing them every single day. Seriously? Are you so unimaginative that you can't have any variance in color or style? That's boring and makes you look like a slob who lacks in self-esteem. Brutal, but honest. So, wear grungy jeans and an old t-shirt when you're changing the oil, but not when you're going out. I'm not advocating tuxes on a daily basis, but I think it's important to consider your environment and audience when dressing yourself in the morning.
So, I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I could add to this list, but it's getting late and you're probably tired of reading this novel. This is simply something that I've been thinking about as of late and thought I'd share. Guys (if there are any guys who actually take the time to get through this), sorry if it was a bit harsh. It was unintentional (mostly), and if you found yourself associating with my list, use this as constructive criticism and "man up!"
What I'm not looking for in a guy:
A boy
Let me begin this list by saying that as I progress along in my 20s (I know I'm only 23, but that's a lot older than 19), I have realized more and more that guys do not seem to progress in maturity the way girls do. Stereotype? Yes. Reality? In most cases. As my interests have evolved from weekend mall shopping trips to dinner and a glass of wine with friends, I have found that many guys are still interested in the equivalent of the shopping trip. This brings me to the next thing on my list, which is:
A boy who loves video games
If your idea of a good time is sitting in front of the television and living in a virtual world for hours upon end, then you have some growing up to do, and I'm really not interested in your company. What boggles my mind is that so many guys spend countless hours playing sports with their thumbs, when they are fully capable of engaging in healthy physical activities in real life. Even worse than the sports are the fantasy worlds in which wizards fight dragons and communicate in unintelligible languages. Really? I mean, really? If you invested as much time in reality as you do in fantasy land, you'd probably be a decent date. But for now, I'll pass.
A boy who loves video games and lives at home
Let me preface this statement by saying that I totally understand when situations do now allow for financial independence, and the smart thing to do is to live at home until you can afford to move out. Absolutely fine. However, there comes a time when enough is enough. So you're 26 and your mom still does your laundry. Cute. Oh, and she makes you and your friends snacks when they come over to play video games? Gag me. The issue with this scenario is complacency and inability/refusal to strive for something more. If you tell me that you still live at home, you better show me a 10-step action plan for how you are working your way to maturity and independence.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home and is into himself
One of the things that most repulses me about a guy is when he's into himself. I don't care if you're the most attractive guy in the world. Conceit is never flattering. There's a huge difference between having healthy self-confidence and being arrogant. One is attractive, the other is not. And you can always tell who these guys are. They're the ones who walk around with their Polo shirt collars popped and their Armani shades resting on the bridge of their nose. They have this air about them that screams "Check me out. I'm cool." Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but not only am I unimpressed with your not-so-subtle tactics, but your arrogance will be the topic of my jokes for the day.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home, is into himself and doesn't dress well
If you meet all of these criteria, you're a real winner! In my opinion, one of the signs of maturity, responsibility and success is learning how to dress yourself appropriately, no matter the occasion. I'm not asking you to spend thousands of dollars on a wardrobe. What I am asking is for you not to wear pajamas out in public. Ever. And if I catch you wearing the same outfit three days in a row, that's a no go. My favorite is having multiple pairs of the same pants and wearing them every single day. Seriously? Are you so unimaginative that you can't have any variance in color or style? That's boring and makes you look like a slob who lacks in self-esteem. Brutal, but honest. So, wear grungy jeans and an old t-shirt when you're changing the oil, but not when you're going out. I'm not advocating tuxes on a daily basis, but I think it's important to consider your environment and audience when dressing yourself in the morning.
So, I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I could add to this list, but it's getting late and you're probably tired of reading this novel. This is simply something that I've been thinking about as of late and thought I'd share. Guys (if there are any guys who actually take the time to get through this), sorry if it was a bit harsh. It was unintentional (mostly), and if you found yourself associating with my list, use this as constructive criticism and "man up!"
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