Conversations with God

God and I have been exchanging some words lately. Those of you who don't believe that God exists will probably think I'm crazy. Those of you who do will probably be offended at the nature of my conversations with Him. But that's ok. I'm not trying to impress anyone, least of all God. He knows it all anyway.

When I say that we've been exchanging words, what I really mean in that I've been yelling at him and expressing my disappointment and anger at the way certain things in my life have panned out. He's mostly been listening patiently, I think. Sometimes, I tell him that I don't trust Him and don't think He has a good plan for my life. Other times, I ask Him if He's even real or cares about what I'm going through. Do the details of my life matter, or are they just the way things go? When everything falls apart and my life feels like a giant clusterfuck, is He still faithful? Is there purpose in chaos and pain? It all feels pretty meaningless right now.

Everyone always shares words of wisdom about how one day, I'll look back over this time in my life and see why things happened the way they did. In fact, I tell myself that from time to time, partially because I believe it, but mostly because I'm trying to make myself feel better. Sometimes I wonder.

I guess these questions and my response to the difficulties that I'm facing reveal a shallow faith. His sovereignty and love for me are not reflected only in the good aspects of my life. They're woven throughout the pain and the doubt and the fear too. He sits with me in the shit and understands what I'm feeling and is working even now. At least that's what I'm trying to believe. The only other alternative- that He doesn't exist and isn't sovereign and doesn't care about the details of my life- is far worse than anything I'm experiencing.

This is me processing out loud. Take it for what it is, or leave it. It's where I am right now.

Do You Trust Me?

Do you trust me?

Of course I trust you. How can you ask me that? I trust you. I know that you’re going to work this out for me. But can I just ask you something? How? And when?

Do you trust me?

Yes, I told you I trust you. But how are you going to do it? When is it going to happen? Will it be soon? I’m not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m reaching the end of my rope. Can you hurry?

Do you trust me?

Most of the time. I’m doing my best to remember your promises. You’ve been faithful in the past, so why would the present or the future be any different? But why? Why am I going through this? Am I supposed to be learning a profound life lesson? When will I be done learning?

Do you trust me?

I think so. But sometimes I can’t see you in any of it. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier. What’s the point of all of this anyway? You promise to work all things out for my good, but I can’t seem to find the good in what’s happening. Am I missing something here?

I am Yahweh, the first and the last. I created the universe. I tell the waves where to stop and the sun when to rise. I water the earth with rains in the spring. I clothe the lilies of the valley with splendor and feed the birds of the air. I intricately formed you when you were in your mother’s womb and know every detail about you. Those freckles on your nose that you don’t like very much: I made those. Those tears you cried late at night: I caught those in my hands. Those times you felt like you couldn’t take another step: I carried you. Those prayers you prayed that didn’t seem to be answered: I heard every single one of them. And those times you felt as though you would never make it out of your situation: I blew your mind with what I can handle.

And so I ask you… Do you trust me?

God is Bigger than the Bullshit Part 2

Have you ever had one of those days where most things in life seemed to be falling apart? I've been having one of those months. Yesterday, I wrote about the fact that despite all of the crap that we experience, God is in control and will bring us through it. I'm feeling less sure of that today. Every time I feel like my heart is healing or I'm trusting a little bit more, I get shoved to the ground again. It's seriously getting ridiculous. I know that God promises not to give us more than we can handle, but I feel like I can't handle it anymore. It's not as if the things that are happening to me aren't normal, but it's the way they're happening and the timing that are pushing me to my limit. Am I being punished for something? Is God testing my faith? Or are these all just random coincidences that happen to shake me to my core? I don't know, but I'm getting tired of it.

The book of Job seems to be the story of my life these days (or at least today). "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas- no wonder my words have been impetuous (hence the 'bullshit'). The arrows of the Almighty are in me, my spirit drinks in their poison; God's terrors are marshaled against me... What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone (thanks to boot camp, I'm getting close)? Is my flesh bronze (perhaps after a few more hours in the sun)? Do I have the power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me (I've got no strength left)?"

And yet: "He wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal." When does that happen? Can we get that healing process going soon?

God is Bigger than the Bullshit

Some days, that's about as profound as my theology goes. Today is one of those days. I feel as though I'm being sucker punched from every direction. It hurts. I'm bruised and broken and am having a hard time catching my breath. I'm trying to make sense of it all, and yet sense is nowhere to be found. So I find myself clinging to faith.

Even when things appear to be falling apart before my eyes-when life seems to throw curve ball after curve ball-I have to remember this truth. God is bigger than all of it. He's bigger than my job. He's bigger than relationships. He's bigger than location. He's bigger than fears, uncertainties, and confusion. And He's bigger than pain. As long as I can maintain that perspective and remember God's place in the hierarchy of my life, I think I'll be ok.

A friend recently sent me these words of encouragement: "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Even the bullshit. He's got that under control too.