My grandma is a riot. She literally starts riots at family gatherings. Just kidding. She's an amazing woman, but she has her fair share of idiosyncrasies. More than her fair share, some would argue. They are a constant source of both humor and frustration, as we (cousins) learn to navigate and avert her well-intentioned, but nevertheless awkward behavior and comments.
Some context for this story: I have a relatively large extended family, with 15 cousins (including my 3 siblings and I) on my mom's side of the family. Eleven of us are in our 20s, which apparently makes us eligible for marriage. About half of us are in or have been in serious relationships, but none of us are married. I think it's interesting and slightly funny. My grandmother, on the other hand, thinks it's disconcerting. At nearly every family gathering we have ever had, she has mentioned to at least one of us female cousins that by the time she was our age, she was married, had 3 children, and was in grad school. Depending on which cousin she's talking to and how old they are, the story ranges from between 3-5 kids. It that supposed to be incentive for us to hurry things along? Because it's not. In fact, that scenario sounds terrible. If I was married with three children and in grad school, I'd also be either (1) in a nuthouse, (2) in a coffin from sheer exhaustion or (3) miserable.
You see, things are very different now than they were when my grandmother (and even mother) were younger. Women have more options. They have more freedoms. It's no longer the norm to get married right out of high school and start popping kids out right away. Most women go to college, and some get their masters or PhD after that. Did you know that the average age for women to get married in America (according to a 2009 report) is 26 1/2, as opposed to 20 in 1950? Why do you think that is? I suspect it's because women realized that there's more to life than being a housewife and mother. NOT that there is anything wrong with that. Almost all women end up becoming mothers. But, the time line looks a little bit different these days.
I'm perfectly ok with that. In fact, I'm ecstatic about it. It's such a relief to not have societal pressures influencing the direction of my life, especially as a woman. I love the fact that I have the freedom to take my time and live life in whatever way and at whatever pace I want. I didn't get married when I was 18, and I didn't even get married right out of college. And I'm really thankful for that. It would have been a mistake. I have had time to enjoy being me and doing things that I want to do. Grad school is on the agenda, but certainly not with three infants. And marriage... well, what girl doesn't want to get married at some point? But for now, I'm taking my sweet time and enjoying life. Do I want the same things my grandmother wanted 50 years ago? Yes (minus 5 children). I just want them at a different pace. So grandma, if you're looking for great grandchildren in the next few years, you'll have to look elsewhere.
Love,
Me
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, April 15, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Just Friends
"To me, coming from you, friend is a four-letter word." -Cake
One of the things that I have contemplated a lot over the years is whether guys and girls can be just friends. I mean, is it possible to have a friendship that is based from the very beginning strictly on platonic love and affection? More often than not, I think the answer is no. In my experience, there is always some sort of physical attraction from at least one party in every guy-girl relationship. Sometimes the feeling is mutual, in which case the friendship evolves into a more romantic relationship. But when the feelings are not reciprocated, an awkward situation ensues. Especially if the feelings are verbalized to the other person in a very vulnerable way. Epic fail.
Not only has that person (person A) been crushed with the realization that the other person (person B) does not feel the same way, but the friendship as it once was has been compromised, and they (A) are now left with the task of trying to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, mend them back together, and restore the friendship to its original grandeur. Impossible? Quite possibly, but not definitely. You see, once the cat is out of the bag, once the other person (B) knows that you (A) like them as more than just a friend, and once you (A) know that they (B) know, it becomes a bit difficult to interact on a normal level. The challenge is trying to figure out if and how to continue the friendship.
One solution is to act like it never happened. Move on like it was a drunken mistake or a big joke. Refuse to mention that awkward moment again, carrying on as if nothing has changed. This could work, but it would require person A to completely bottle up their feelings. Another solution is to take a break, allowing person A to get over person B. This might take 2 weeks, or it might take 2 years. When person A decides they have appropriately healed, they can take a stab at the friendship again. The problem is that once someone has "moved on" in a romantic way, they have often "moved on" in a non-romantic way as well. But not always. I'm sure there are plenty of friendships that have been thrown into the spin cycle, only to be taken out of the dryer 45 minutes later in even better shape than when they started. But I'm pretty sure that's rare.
The reason that I'm writing on this specific topic is that I recently experienced a classic example of "just friends." I was person A. Being relegated to the friend zone is not my favorite thing in life. But it's also not the worst thing. Painful? Yes. Embarrassing? Yes. Awkward? Definitely. Funny? It will be in the future. I'm looking forward to that day. For now, I remain vulnerable. But vulnerable is a good place to be sometimes. It's honest. And human. And healing.
If you haven't seen the movie "Just Friends," you should make it happen. Especially if you have ever been on either side of this kind of relationship. It will provide a comedic take on the "friend zone," particularly emphasizing the frustrations that emerge for the friend who is hoping for something more.
One of the things that I have contemplated a lot over the years is whether guys and girls can be just friends. I mean, is it possible to have a friendship that is based from the very beginning strictly on platonic love and affection? More often than not, I think the answer is no. In my experience, there is always some sort of physical attraction from at least one party in every guy-girl relationship. Sometimes the feeling is mutual, in which case the friendship evolves into a more romantic relationship. But when the feelings are not reciprocated, an awkward situation ensues. Especially if the feelings are verbalized to the other person in a very vulnerable way. Epic fail.
Not only has that person (person A) been crushed with the realization that the other person (person B) does not feel the same way, but the friendship as it once was has been compromised, and they (A) are now left with the task of trying to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, mend them back together, and restore the friendship to its original grandeur. Impossible? Quite possibly, but not definitely. You see, once the cat is out of the bag, once the other person (B) knows that you (A) like them as more than just a friend, and once you (A) know that they (B) know, it becomes a bit difficult to interact on a normal level. The challenge is trying to figure out if and how to continue the friendship.
One solution is to act like it never happened. Move on like it was a drunken mistake or a big joke. Refuse to mention that awkward moment again, carrying on as if nothing has changed. This could work, but it would require person A to completely bottle up their feelings. Another solution is to take a break, allowing person A to get over person B. This might take 2 weeks, or it might take 2 years. When person A decides they have appropriately healed, they can take a stab at the friendship again. The problem is that once someone has "moved on" in a romantic way, they have often "moved on" in a non-romantic way as well. But not always. I'm sure there are plenty of friendships that have been thrown into the spin cycle, only to be taken out of the dryer 45 minutes later in even better shape than when they started. But I'm pretty sure that's rare.
The reason that I'm writing on this specific topic is that I recently experienced a classic example of "just friends." I was person A. Being relegated to the friend zone is not my favorite thing in life. But it's also not the worst thing. Painful? Yes. Embarrassing? Yes. Awkward? Definitely. Funny? It will be in the future. I'm looking forward to that day. For now, I remain vulnerable. But vulnerable is a good place to be sometimes. It's honest. And human. And healing.
If you haven't seen the movie "Just Friends," you should make it happen. Especially if you have ever been on either side of this kind of relationship. It will provide a comedic take on the "friend zone," particularly emphasizing the frustrations that emerge for the friend who is hoping for something more.
Monday, September 13, 2010
What I'm NOT Looking for in a Guy
It seems to be a common occurrence for single ladies to make a list of what they're looking for in a guy. It may only be a mental list, but the list still exists. Makes sense. I think it's extremely important to know what you want beforehand. In my experience, this aids in the whole "shopping" process. I have a list, and in fact, it's a rather lengthy one. It started out as general ideas, but over the years, I've amended, restructured, and re-prioritized my list. As I get older, I realize that I don't want the same things in a guy that I did 5 years ago, and I'm sure I'll feel the same way 5 years from now. Rather than make a list of "Mr. Perfect," who, by the way, DOES NOT EXIST (this is a topic for another blog post), I decided to make a list of some of the things that I definitely do not want in a guy. Here goes.
What I'm not looking for in a guy:
A boy
Let me begin this list by saying that as I progress along in my 20s (I know I'm only 23, but that's a lot older than 19), I have realized more and more that guys do not seem to progress in maturity the way girls do. Stereotype? Yes. Reality? In most cases. As my interests have evolved from weekend mall shopping trips to dinner and a glass of wine with friends, I have found that many guys are still interested in the equivalent of the shopping trip. This brings me to the next thing on my list, which is:
A boy who loves video games
If your idea of a good time is sitting in front of the television and living in a virtual world for hours upon end, then you have some growing up to do, and I'm really not interested in your company. What boggles my mind is that so many guys spend countless hours playing sports with their thumbs, when they are fully capable of engaging in healthy physical activities in real life. Even worse than the sports are the fantasy worlds in which wizards fight dragons and communicate in unintelligible languages. Really? I mean, really? If you invested as much time in reality as you do in fantasy land, you'd probably be a decent date. But for now, I'll pass.
A boy who loves video games and lives at home
Let me preface this statement by saying that I totally understand when situations do now allow for financial independence, and the smart thing to do is to live at home until you can afford to move out. Absolutely fine. However, there comes a time when enough is enough. So you're 26 and your mom still does your laundry. Cute. Oh, and she makes you and your friends snacks when they come over to play video games? Gag me. The issue with this scenario is complacency and inability/refusal to strive for something more. If you tell me that you still live at home, you better show me a 10-step action plan for how you are working your way to maturity and independence.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home and is into himself
One of the things that most repulses me about a guy is when he's into himself. I don't care if you're the most attractive guy in the world. Conceit is never flattering. There's a huge difference between having healthy self-confidence and being arrogant. One is attractive, the other is not. And you can always tell who these guys are. They're the ones who walk around with their Polo shirt collars popped and their Armani shades resting on the bridge of their nose. They have this air about them that screams "Check me out. I'm cool." Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but not only am I unimpressed with your not-so-subtle tactics, but your arrogance will be the topic of my jokes for the day.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home, is into himself and doesn't dress well
If you meet all of these criteria, you're a real winner! In my opinion, one of the signs of maturity, responsibility and success is learning how to dress yourself appropriately, no matter the occasion. I'm not asking you to spend thousands of dollars on a wardrobe. What I am asking is for you not to wear pajamas out in public. Ever. And if I catch you wearing the same outfit three days in a row, that's a no go. My favorite is having multiple pairs of the same pants and wearing them every single day. Seriously? Are you so unimaginative that you can't have any variance in color or style? That's boring and makes you look like a slob who lacks in self-esteem. Brutal, but honest. So, wear grungy jeans and an old t-shirt when you're changing the oil, but not when you're going out. I'm not advocating tuxes on a daily basis, but I think it's important to consider your environment and audience when dressing yourself in the morning.
So, I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I could add to this list, but it's getting late and you're probably tired of reading this novel. This is simply something that I've been thinking about as of late and thought I'd share. Guys (if there are any guys who actually take the time to get through this), sorry if it was a bit harsh. It was unintentional (mostly), and if you found yourself associating with my list, use this as constructive criticism and "man up!"
What I'm not looking for in a guy:
A boy
Let me begin this list by saying that as I progress along in my 20s (I know I'm only 23, but that's a lot older than 19), I have realized more and more that guys do not seem to progress in maturity the way girls do. Stereotype? Yes. Reality? In most cases. As my interests have evolved from weekend mall shopping trips to dinner and a glass of wine with friends, I have found that many guys are still interested in the equivalent of the shopping trip. This brings me to the next thing on my list, which is:
A boy who loves video games
If your idea of a good time is sitting in front of the television and living in a virtual world for hours upon end, then you have some growing up to do, and I'm really not interested in your company. What boggles my mind is that so many guys spend countless hours playing sports with their thumbs, when they are fully capable of engaging in healthy physical activities in real life. Even worse than the sports are the fantasy worlds in which wizards fight dragons and communicate in unintelligible languages. Really? I mean, really? If you invested as much time in reality as you do in fantasy land, you'd probably be a decent date. But for now, I'll pass.
A boy who loves video games and lives at home
Let me preface this statement by saying that I totally understand when situations do now allow for financial independence, and the smart thing to do is to live at home until you can afford to move out. Absolutely fine. However, there comes a time when enough is enough. So you're 26 and your mom still does your laundry. Cute. Oh, and she makes you and your friends snacks when they come over to play video games? Gag me. The issue with this scenario is complacency and inability/refusal to strive for something more. If you tell me that you still live at home, you better show me a 10-step action plan for how you are working your way to maturity and independence.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home and is into himself
One of the things that most repulses me about a guy is when he's into himself. I don't care if you're the most attractive guy in the world. Conceit is never flattering. There's a huge difference between having healthy self-confidence and being arrogant. One is attractive, the other is not. And you can always tell who these guys are. They're the ones who walk around with their Polo shirt collars popped and their Armani shades resting on the bridge of their nose. They have this air about them that screams "Check me out. I'm cool." Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but not only am I unimpressed with your not-so-subtle tactics, but your arrogance will be the topic of my jokes for the day.
A boy who loves video games, lives at home, is into himself and doesn't dress well
If you meet all of these criteria, you're a real winner! In my opinion, one of the signs of maturity, responsibility and success is learning how to dress yourself appropriately, no matter the occasion. I'm not asking you to spend thousands of dollars on a wardrobe. What I am asking is for you not to wear pajamas out in public. Ever. And if I catch you wearing the same outfit three days in a row, that's a no go. My favorite is having multiple pairs of the same pants and wearing them every single day. Seriously? Are you so unimaginative that you can't have any variance in color or style? That's boring and makes you look like a slob who lacks in self-esteem. Brutal, but honest. So, wear grungy jeans and an old t-shirt when you're changing the oil, but not when you're going out. I'm not advocating tuxes on a daily basis, but I think it's important to consider your environment and audience when dressing yourself in the morning.
So, I'm sure there are plenty of other things that I could add to this list, but it's getting late and you're probably tired of reading this novel. This is simply something that I've been thinking about as of late and thought I'd share. Guys (if there are any guys who actually take the time to get through this), sorry if it was a bit harsh. It was unintentional (mostly), and if you found yourself associating with my list, use this as constructive criticism and "man up!"
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