A Dinner Ordeal

My family went out to dinner last week, which isn't something that we do very often. We decided to grace Buffalo Wild Wings with our presence because Rachael and Nathan had each received a free kids meal coupon from their school for a reading program and my mom had a $5 off coupon. So we arrived at the restaurant and were seated, but only after the hostess thought we wanted to order out because we were looking at the menu posted on the wall.

Now my family is good at a lot of things, but ordering food at restaurants is not one of them. For some reason, it is impossible for us to execute an order without some kind of hitch. We somehow manage to make it the most complicated task in the world. The waiter arrived and we all ordered waters (at this point he knows he's making a huge tip). We then attempted to complete our food order, which was about as difficult as the General Assembly making a unanimous vote. You can order wings in different quantities, such as 6, 20, or 32. So first, we had to decide how many wings we wanted. Done. Then we had to decide what sauces we wanted for the wings. There were about 10 to choose from, and you can have any many sauces as you want on as many of the wings as you want. We struggled with that decision for about 5 minutes. I could literally see our waiter's hair growing on his arms as he patiently held his order pad and counted the minutes that passed by.

My mom then proceeded to give the waiter Rachael and Nathan's free kids meal coupons, which he immediately pointed out were expired. WHAT??? Expired? But they had just received them. He said he would ask the manager if we could use them anyway. My mom then presented the $5 off coupon to the waiter, which he even more rapidly pointed out was not even for Buffalo Wild Wings, but was for another establishment called Wings and Things. At this point, I'm so embarrassed I want to crawl under the table. How do you make that mistake? The worst part of all is that it happens without fail every time we go out, at least in one variation or another.

I made a comment to my family about how ridiculous that process was and how we really need to start practicing our orders before we even get to the restaurant. It will save a lot of time and grief for all parties involved. My mom insisted that there wasn't anything abnormal about the situation, and that lots of families do the same thing. I vocally disagreed with her and insisted that nothing about our family is normal. However, once I got past the embarrassment of it all, I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. We ended up having a wonderful time (and even got to use the kids meal coupons). I definitely wouldn't call my family "normal," but then again, what is the norm, and who defines what that should be. I suppose our lives would be pretty boring if we fit into the so-called stereotypical "norm" that society has created.

Heavenly Fantasies

Earlier today as I consumed my daily caloric intake in mint oreos alone, I had a most fantastic epiphany. I'm almost certain that God has bestowed upon mankind the gift of mint oreos in order to provide a small glimpse of what we have to look forward to in heaven. The Bible speaks of heaven being a place of indescribable beauty- streets paved with gold, countless diamonds, rubies, and emeralds. Not even our wildest dreams do heaven justice. And although all of this sounds incredible, it occurred to me that having the streets paved with mint oreos would be a much more enjoyable experience for me. While gold is a valuable metal and boasts a lustrous shine, it's sole purpose in heaven would be purely aesthetic. Mint oreos, on the other hand, offer much more than aesthetic value. Not only do they resemble the streets with which we are familiar, but they are also incredibly tasty. I mean, can you imagine being able to walk down the street and take a bite out of the chocolaty asphalt whenever you feel compelled to do so? The mint frosting sandwiched between the two cookies would provide a vibrant alternative to emeralds, and could be used in lieu of grass, trees, and shrubbery. The clouds would likely be consistent with the taste, consistency and appearance of freshly-spun cotton candy, and the tree trunks could be composed of kit-kat bars. Anyway, I think you get my point. If heaven could be like Willie Wanka's Chocolate Factory, I'm pretty sure I'd be in heaven (both literally and figuratively speaking).


*The views expressed are based on my own opinions/desires, and are in no way representative of the Biblical description of heaven.
**This fantasy of an edible heaven is based on the assumption that calories will be nonexistent, and therefore will not contribute to the size of my thighs.

I'll Be Politically Incorrect if I Want to, and There's Nothing You Can Do About It

I was talking to my mom yesterday about some of the crazy changes our society is currently undergoing. One of those changes is the effort to avoid offending anyone, anywhere, for any reason. She recently listened to a radio talk show that discussed the new rules for what is allowed in public school textbooks these days. Some of the things that are now forbidden are absolutely ludicrous. Here's a list of banned items:

1. No pictures of pioneers where the woman is riding in the covered wagon and the man is walking. It alludes to the idea that women are the weaker sex.
   
2. The word "snowman: is forbidden. It must be replaced by "snow person."
   
3. We cannot refer to older people as seniors or elderly. They must be called an "elderly person."
4. It is improper to say "scarecrow." They must be referred to as a "straw person." (I have no idea what their reasoning is for this).
   
5. Satan is not allowed to be discussed. I suppose they're denying his existence, just as they have denied the existence of God.
   
6. If a man is depicted in a stressful situation, he cannot appear to be calm. He must appear to be stressed out. Depicting him as calm encourages the belief that men are less emotional than women.

The list goes on and on, but I think I've gotten my point across. It seems to me like our freedom of speech is absolutely being threatened, and what I'd like to know is who the crap comes up with these stupid rules. I mean honestly, what difference does it make if I say "snowman" or "snow person"? Who cares. I suppose snowmen can be females, but honestly, they're inanimate objects. Who gives a crap? And the fact that they've banned historic photos of pioneer families. That's just ridiculous. Go ahead and rewrite history, but make sure to leave out all the facts. All that matters is that we're politically correct. Good grief. I really don't know what else to say. I understand that it's important to be conscious of people's feelings, but if it means changing my entire vocabulary in an effort to prevent me from ever causing offense, then I say screw it. I'm not sure who gave these people the authority to come up with these new rules, but I certainly didn't, and I have no intention of following them.

Children vs. Pets

Parents often say that children are the best thing that ever happened to them, but I find that hard to believe. Children are annoying. Period. Yes, they can be cute if you dress them up in Halloween costumes or put pretty pink bows in their hair, but that warm and bubbly feeling you get from watching a baby giggle is quite transient. It soon dissipates when you realize what a terror they really are. They cry and scream when they don't get what they want, they get into as much trouble as possible, and they often refuse to obey you. The worst part is, when they're your kids, you can't get rid of them. Your stuck with them FOREVER! For these reasons, I am of the opinion that pets are a far more appropriate alternative unless you wish to enter a permanent state of responsibility, chaos, exhaustion, etc. Now I know I may be expressing my opinion in an extreme manner, but in an effort to be as unbiased as possible, I have created a list of pros and cons for both children and pets.


Children
Pros:

• Pass on the family name
• Can bring great joy and happiness to a couple
• Get to create a mini you
• Provide entertainment when your husband is boring
• Give you a real purpose if you feel you're lacking in that area
  

Cons:

• 9 months of misery
• Approximately 5-10 hours of extreme misery
• The end of your life as you know it
  
• They cry all the time
• Get into trouble on regular basis
• Have to change WAY too many diapers
  
• Need to hire a babysitter if you want to go out
• 24/7/365 job for 18 years, in some cases much longer
• Have to choose between career and motherhood
• VERY EXPENSIVE
• If they grow up to be screw ups, it's your fault
  

Pets
Pros:

• They're VERY cute
• Keep you company if you're lonely
• They don't talk much
• Usually easy maintenance
• Typically fairly inexpensive to care for
• Only need to hire babysitter when you leave town
  

Cons:

• They can be messy
• Have to train them to behave
• Can't really have good convo with them, even when they "grow up"
• Have to clean up their crap

What I have found is that the cons outweigh the pros when it comes to children, and the pros outweigh the cons when it comes to pets. Therefore, pets appear to be the obvious of the two choices.

* This argument is based on my current feeling towards children. However, I reserve the right to alter my view at any point in time.

Homelessness

One of the things I've realized post-graduation is that I haven't been in one place for more than 3 months since I first left for college. And when I say the same place, I don't mean a single address. I mean the same state. The setup was perfect for me: school in Philly, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter breaks in Michigan, and summers in San Diego. While some people may find that overwhelming, I love it. I love the variety. I love being able to travel. I have loved the extensive breaks that college offered me which allowed me to travel. So now, after spending an amazing "last" summer spread between California, Pennsylvania and Oklahoma, I'm finally home. Not home for vacation, but home for good. And I don't like it. It's been two days and I already feel stuck, smothered by the absence of possibility. Choked by the thought that I am no longer free to pick up and travel whenever I fancy. The worst part about it is that this doesn't seem like home to me. Home for me is a very fluid concept- the division of my life between three worlds. It is not a place, but a culmination of all the places that I've been and experiences that I've had. That is home for me. However, life is constantly changing, and I suppose I need to learn to change with it. Close the old chapter and open a new one as they say. The amazing thing is that I get to write the new chapter, at least to a certain extent.

Perpetual Unemployment

It's been three months since I graduated college, and since that time, I've been sort of drifting aimlessly around the U.S., never staying in one place for more than a few weeks. I've made my way up and down the coast of California, graced Philadelphia with my presence, and am currently residing in Oklahoma City until I finally return home to Michigan. While it has been wonderful to relax, I have discovered that really not very good at it. I prefer to keep myself occupied with numerous activities. School has kept me busy for the past 18 years of my life, so now that I'm done with that, I need to find something else to do. The obvious answer is: get a job. I know, I know. That's what typically comes next in the timeline of life. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, I graduated at a time when the economy is worse than it's been in decades. There are virtually no jobs available. All of the entry level positions that would typically be available for recent college grads are now taken by those who were laid off of their old jobs. Unfortunately, they have a huge advantage over me. It's called experience, and apparantly, you can't get a job without it. And herein lies my predicament: I need experience in order to land a decent job, but I need money to pay for that experience. Where else would I get that money but by working? I'm back at point A, and this circuitous route always brings me back to where I don't want to be: stuck in an unemployment rut. It hasn't been too bad up until now. I've plenty of time to detox from the poison of constant tests and papers that threatened to cause serious health issues. Three months worth of constant laziness has rejuvenated my spirit and has prepared me to start this phenomenon called "adulthood." I've even purchased a professional wardrobe. Now all I need is a job. Forget a career at this point. Those are on backorder. I'll settle for a job that pays more than minimum wage and doesn't kill my brain cells. An intellectuallly stimulating job may be too much to ask for at this point in time. Despite these "minor" setbacks, I'm still holding out for that perfect job. But until that crosses my path, I'll be readjusting my life to living at home with the family and spending my weekends at soccer matches and chaperoning dances.

Beginnings

So I've done it. I finally buckled down and created a blog. I've been journaling for years and absolutely love it, so I figured I would take it one step further. The thought of creating a blog has crossed my mind once or twice, but I must attribute my final decision to Jen Lancaster, author of Bitter is the New Black, a memoir that delightfully illustrates the numerous adventures that she experiences when her life takes a turn in an unexpected direction. In the book, she creates a blog and it's a real hit. I must admit that I secretly hope my blog will be as popular as hers, after which I will publish numerous books depicting the adventures of my life. However, since that is HIGHLY unlikely, I suppose I'll settle for simply having the opportunity to get my thoughts out, and maybe, just maybe, evoking a chuckle or two from any readers who stumble across my blog.